How my life feels as a mother
I was supposed to write a post about something out and about. I even started one about some fall native berries, but it was boring because my life has been so boring. To be honest I haven’t been out and about anywhere. I haven’t gone and done anything minus the things I had to do in months. I haven’t wanted to leave my house, especially with my children in a long time.
Some of you have read this story before, some of you have felt this story. Some of you have been this story.
There are lots of words that can describe mom life.
The list goes on and on.
Our lives are full of highs and lows all at the same moment. The way we perceive our day in and day out can be totally different than the story we tell to the outside world, totally different than the way others view our life. The way our lives look and the way our lives feel can cover both ends of the spectrum at the same time. We often put on a show for the world. We might have joked about how hard our day was, how we need another bottle of wine (beer for me) or vat of coffee, but there is a truth behind those jokes. We work long hard hours either as a stay at home parent or a working parent. We stay up late to catch those few moments of me time with the house quiet. We worry about things out of our control, things in the future and things we could change. We are mentally and physically exhausted. Our brains never shut off. Our whole house often feels like it’s in a continual state of turmoil.
Why is this? What can we do to change this?
Why do we put on a brave face for the outside world, always saying things are fine? Why are our lives so full of stress and worry that we forget to actually enjoy it? Why, as a society, have we allowed our lives to become this way? Do we have an imbalance? Are we lacking something? Do we feel like the world puts a lot of pressure on us? Do we put that pressure on ourselves? Has life always been this hard? Since we no longer have to struggle to kill our next meal have we turned that struggle into something else? Is it just the way our brains are wired through evolution? Are we missing our tribe? Our village?
(If you have any answers for this, please feel free to fill me in!)
This was a day about 6 weeks ago.
I stared at the pile of laundry that has been begging to be folded for a while. I found dog poop still on the porch from yesterday that had not magically cleaned itself up. I gazed at the small amount dishes thinking how lucky only until I remembered that I am not sure anyone actually ate dinner last night.
I found my daughter sitting in the corner of a toy and stuff filled room reading a book. I think oh cool, she spending time by herself reading! Awesome, until I step in the first of many puddles.
“Hey Fin, why is the floor so wet? Did you pee?”
“Did water get poured all over?”
“yes, I think so”
I reach down to find her soaking wet. She had peed herself again, she had peed all over the room that is so full of stuff I can’t even walk through it, I don’t even know where to start cleaning up the mess……
I lost it.
I put her in the tub and I just walked away. I walked outside and sat down.
I screamed and cried.
I don’t want to be a mom anymore, I don’t want to be a wife anymore, I don’t want to live this life anymore.
I don’t want to be…
My 6 year old came to console me. Then he went and washed his little sister, got her dressed and gave me a hug.
This was a sh*ty day…
But the next day will be better… right?!
Isn’t that what we always say, tomorrow I won’t lose my cool and yell at the kids. Tomorrow I will wake up early and get that run in. Tomorrow I will stop eating so much crap and drink more water.
You Are Not Alone
We all have days that don’t live up to the ideal parent in our head. We all tell ourselves tomorrow will be better (and sometimes it is). We all show the outside world a different view than how we feel.
You Are Not Alone
We (both moms and dads) are in this together. This is real life, let’s try to accept that the days are not perfect, that we will yell at our kids and lose our sh*t, that our kids will still love us if we make them go to bed at 6pm to keep from killing them.
This is Real Life
After I had this meltdown after I watched the film that showed how my kids viewed the day compared to how I viewed the day after I told this story and listened to mom after mo tell me she felt the same way I felt better. I felt better, but I knew there was something still not right. I took to Google like we all do and I started to do some research. Why have I gone crazy (much crazier than I was), what is wrong with me?
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a storyteller. I stay up late, try to sleep late, and drink lots of coffee and beer (usually in that order, but not always). I grew up in sunny (which means really hot) central Florida, never go to the beach or Disney, but try to hike in the woods as much as I can. I remember a time when I said I would never photograph people, now that’s all I do. I think it started with wanting to explore the world and capture that to share with people. Now I want to capture people to share with the world.
A little backstory, I had a copper IUD put in about 6 months ago. Now not to say my life was perfect before that, but I had noticed I was much moodier than before, much quicker to snap, much more likely to yell. Much more of a B*tch. I started to wonder if the two things were related. Well, maybe they were. I couldn’t find any scientific research to back up this claim, but I found page after page after page of testimonials that the copper IUD was making women crazy and many related it to low zinc levels.
So what did I do, rush out to Publix and buy the biggest bottle of zinc I could find and you know what, it’s helped! I have actually cleaned my house the past few weeks, caught up with friends, took my kids on field trips and decreased the amount of yelling by a huge percentage. I have also added in magnesium (again totally on the advice of Dr Google) and I feel like my old self again for the most part. I enjoy being around my kids again (most of the time), my patience has returned and life is better.
So tell me, what have you done to try to even out your life, return your mind back to a more tranquil state? Have you tried any advice that has helped you change your view of what you see to what they see?